made2serve
04-30-2009, 03:33 AM
ARE YOU UNREMARKABLE
&
UNEMPLOYED
Was all the advertisement said, and other than a mobile telephone number there was no other information.
Bob rang the number more out of curiosity than any real hope that the ad would be genuine. As the credit crunch bit deeper the situations vacant sections of local papers were becoming notorious for cons and scam artists, all offering guaranteed employment for a one off payment. Being over forty didn’t help either, and add to that two years on the dole? And you weren’t many companies first choice.
So he rang the number.
And that was how he came to be standing outside a tiny unmanned railway station in the back end of beyond wondering if he was the victim of someone’s idea of a joke.
The man he had spoken to on the telephone had seemed genuine. He had explained that the ad was posted in one half a dozen local papers all over the British isles every twelve weeks. He had explained that he owned a small company in the business of supplying butlers, housekeepers, maids and chauffeurs to wealthy foreigners who thought it classy to have a British butler etc.
Training was free and residential, and lasted twelve weeks. And that being placed in employment at the end of the course was more or less guaranteed.
All that was needed from him was that he meet certain criteria which would be explained to him if he were interested. Then if he was accepted he would be asked to sign a contract to the effect that ten percent of his wages for the first five years of his employment would be paid to the training company.
The man had been so convincing that he had arranged to meet him for an interview in Birmingham, and at the interview it seemed he was just the sort they were looking for.
Over lunch it as explained to him that English butlers were in very short supply. And that these rich folk willing to pay very high salaries just to have a traditional English butler answering the door or serving their breakfast. They like a bit of class, a bit of sophistication, and that’s what we teach. The man had been convincing, and Bob had signed up, and still there was no mention of a one off fee, or cost of registration. In fact no one had mentioned money at all, which was why he was getting worried.
After waiting half an hour he checked the times of the trains back, and swore when he realised it would be another two hours. There was nowhere to go, not even a pub. The place was desolate So he sat on his suitcase feeling very, very stupid.
It was an hour later that the minibus pulled up and a pretty fresh faced young girl who looked barely old enough to drive jumped out, “Are you Bob?”
“Yes, yes I am”
“I’m Charlotte? And I am so sorry I’m so late, but I’ve had a bitch of a day, and I’m sorry. Anyway I’m here now so let’s get you to the school.” And opening the back door of the minibus she pointed at his case. “Pop that in the back and you can sit up front with me, it makes it easier to chat, saves all that twisting around in my seat.
As they drove they chatted. And Bob asked her about the school.
“Oh I just help out there; it belongs to my mum and dad. But it’s not really a school, more a training centre.”
Pausing for a moment she cracked the drivers window about an inch and taking a packet of cigarettes from the vans dashboard and lighting one she went on.
“You’re very lucky to have been chosen. They only take on a dozen or so candidates at a time.”
“So it’s not a big place then?”
“Oh the house is quite big? Ten bedrooms, four with on suit, a dining room, lounge, library, four reception rooms a big kitchen and utility room. It also has a pool, tennis courts, stables, hot tub and sauna. The servants quarters? That’s where the trainees live are in the cellars, but as you’re the trainee butler you get a small room in the house.”
Bob was impressed “Wow it sounds incredible.”
“It’s a pretty cool place to live. But the best thing of all is the grounds, sixty acres of woodland and meadows, and me? I love to ride.”
Charlotte was good company and never stopped chatting, but as time passed Bob started to worry.
“How far is it exactly? We seem to have been driving a very long time?”
Lighting another cigarette she laughed. “I know it seems like that, but its not actually that far as the crow flies. But if you notice these roads twist all over the place which make the journey seem much longer than it is, anyway we should be there in about fifteen minutes.” And pointing vaguely to her side of the van, “It’s just over there, but we have to drive around this hill.”
Eventually though they arrived, and just as charlotte had said it was magnificent.. “Our grounds start here, and as we go round here you’ll see the house.” And what a house it was. It could have been used as a film set, grand and imposing it seemed to dominate the entire area. “That’s the stable block to the right, and the tennis court sauna hot tub and pool are at the back. I’ll get you settled in and then take you to meet mum and dad. After that I’ll tale you to meet Miss Parks, she’s the one who’ll be in charge of your everyday training.”
After showing him to a room on the ground floor she left him to unpack while she went to let Miss Parks know he was there.
When she got back she took him on a quick tour of the house.”
“Thanks, I bet it’s easy to get lost in here? you mentioned there were other students?”
“That’s right they’ve been arriving over the last few days, you’ll meet them later. Anyway this is it.” and opening the door she followed him into the library.
“This is mum and dad, but you must call them Sir and Madam, and from now on I’m either just plain Miss, or Miss Charlotte.”
Her parents were nothing like he expected. Her father looked like a middle aged school teacher still trying to be cool with the kids, but her mother? Well she was quite something. Not stunningly beautiful, but her long red hair, tightly fitting dress, and obvious skill with her makeup meant she would never go unnoticed. Add to that the way she carried herself and the heels, and she was pretty sensational.
“Mum, Dad, this is Bob,”
Neither of them made any attempt to greet him. In fact after charlotte’s friendly bubbly approach they made him feel a little uncomfortable, uneasy even..
Eventually her father spoke. “Bob? Bob? What kind of name is Bob? You can’t call a servant Bob, sounds ridiculous.”
Her mother joined in. “His name must be Robert, Bob is just the common version” And looking at him for the first time? “You will answer to Robert. Do you understand?”
“Err yes fine, Robert it is.”
The woman looked horrified, “Charlotte.”
Sorry mum. And looking at Bob, “I told you, you must call mum Madam.
Just say Yes Madam, Robert will be fine, thank you.” for a moment he hesitated. “Go on, you’re supposed to be a butler for God’s sake.”
So trying hard to keep a straight face and get into character he gave a tiny bow and said, “Yes Madam, Robert will be fine, Thank you Madam.”
“That’s better, now you may go, Charlotte take him to Miss Parks and tell her to start his training immediately.”
“Yes mum” and turning to bob she said “Follow me to the door and when we get there just turn, give a little bow and say, “Sir, Madam, and leave.”
Feeling self conscious and more than a bit stupid Bob did as she said, and once they were outside she smiled. Mum and Dad can be a bit off putting, but remember your hear to learn, and the most important thing a servant needs to show is respect and humility. Now I’ll take you to Miss Parks, and then I’m going for a ride.”
“Will I see you later?”
Of course, you’ll be serving me dinner at seven. Now remember? Respect and humility, especially with Miss Parks.” And she opened the door to Miss Parks office, and as he stepped inside she whispered, “Good luck, and I’ll see you at dinner,” and quietly closed the door leaving him alone with Miss Parks.
Miss Parks was more of what he had expected, and looked like a typical fictional Victorian governess. She was seated behind a heavy looking oak desk, her hair pulled and pinned into a tightly wound knot on the back of her head. her complexion was flawless, and if it hadn’t been for her hairstyle and the rather too heavily applied dark severe makeup, she would have been a quite attractive woman.
“You are Robert, is that right.”
“Yes that’s right”
“Yes that’s right Miss Parks; you will always address me as Miss Parks.”
And thinking? “Here we go again, Bob repeated the phrase.”
“According to my notes you wish to be trained as a butler?”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“Well I am afraid I can tell you now, just by looking at you that you will never make a butler.”
“But”
“No buts, I decide. Butlers need poise and breeding, and you have neither. I will put you down as general labour, and see how you get on.. So if you would like to undress I will have something more suitable to your station brought in.”
Just for a moment Bob was lost for words. “Look I think you better take me to see?”
Raising her hand and her voice, Miss Parks Explained, There is no one to see, no one to ask, and no higher authority. On matters of staff, training I make all the decisions. Now I think you’ll find I gave you an order, not a topic for discussion, so please carry it out immediately?”
“Look I think I better talk to Charlotte or her Dad?”
Opening a desk draw Miss Parks took out what looked like a square chunky looking toy gun.
“Do you know what this is?”
“No and I don’t care, what I want,”
“What you want Robert is immaterial, what matter is what I want, and I want you to obey me. You are here to be trained? And trained you will be. Now this is what is called a tazer but is better known as a stun gun. It fires these two tiny barbs that penetrate and snag clothing. Then when the trigger is pulled it delivers a very high voltage electric shock.” and pointing it first at his groin and then at his chest she smiled. “It wont kill you, but it will incapacitate you. it delivers a maximum of a hundred thousand volts, but I have it set for fifty.
If I use it on you, you will very likely mess and wet yourself and be paralysed. So why not just take the suit off Last chance?”
“You’re crazy if you think” and that was as far as he got.
Hearing a quiet pop he looked down and saw what looked like a square cork with two straightened fishing hooks tangled in the cummerbund around his waist.
Looking from the barbs he followed the two wires to the plastic gun in her hand. “Wait” but it was too late. Barely had the word left his lips than he saw her brightly painted fingernail curl around the trigger. And in that instant his entire body exploded.
He was thrown backwards into the wall where stunned and disorientated he fell to the office floor. unable to move he watched her coming around her desk, and summoned every last ounce of strength he tried desperately to crawl towards the door.
That was half power? Lets try full shall we.”
She seemed to be in no hurry, and perching her bottom on her desk she changed the setting. “Lets try sixty percent and see if I can’t make you do a wee wee? This time she pressed and held the trigger while he jerked around at her feet. When she finally released the trigger he just collapsed moaning. Every bone and muscle in his body hurt, and his nerves were shredded. “No that didn’t work, lets try eighty? And all he could do was watch as she pressed the trigger again making him dance like some obscene puppet. This time she got her wish and he wet himself. So seemingly satisfied she took something from a cupboard and leaning over him clamped it around his neck.
“That’s a training collar and delivers exactly the same charge as the tazer, except without the need for wires. They are designed for large powerful dogs, pit bulls and alike, of course there illegal in this country, but I won’t tell if you don’t.
Now I am going to sit down and have some tea. And when you can move you will undress and fold those clothes very neatly and leave then by the door.”
Back behind her desk she pressed an intercom button, and lighting a cigarette just sat quietly waiting.
A few moments later there was a quiet knock on the door.
“In”
A youngish woman carrying a silver tray stepped inside.
“Your tea Miss Parks” and as she served Bob saw an identical collar to his fastened tightly around her neck.”
“That will do Molly, you may go.”
“Yes Miss Parks, thank you Miss Parks.”
And Molly”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“You will find this gentleman’s clothes and personal belongings in the butlers quarters?”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“Burn them.”
“Yes Miss Parks”
And she left.
While the feeling returned slowly to his tortured body his tormentor sipped tea. And as soon as he could barely move she had him strip.
“You will remain naked. I have decided to make an example of you.”
And before he could even think of an answer his collar buzzed, pain filled every cell of his body, and he collapsed straight down like a tall building being demolished by having the bottom floors blown out.
Fortunately for him and thanks to the earlier shocks his body was exhausted and he was unconscious before he hit the ground.
&
UNEMPLOYED
Was all the advertisement said, and other than a mobile telephone number there was no other information.
Bob rang the number more out of curiosity than any real hope that the ad would be genuine. As the credit crunch bit deeper the situations vacant sections of local papers were becoming notorious for cons and scam artists, all offering guaranteed employment for a one off payment. Being over forty didn’t help either, and add to that two years on the dole? And you weren’t many companies first choice.
So he rang the number.
And that was how he came to be standing outside a tiny unmanned railway station in the back end of beyond wondering if he was the victim of someone’s idea of a joke.
The man he had spoken to on the telephone had seemed genuine. He had explained that the ad was posted in one half a dozen local papers all over the British isles every twelve weeks. He had explained that he owned a small company in the business of supplying butlers, housekeepers, maids and chauffeurs to wealthy foreigners who thought it classy to have a British butler etc.
Training was free and residential, and lasted twelve weeks. And that being placed in employment at the end of the course was more or less guaranteed.
All that was needed from him was that he meet certain criteria which would be explained to him if he were interested. Then if he was accepted he would be asked to sign a contract to the effect that ten percent of his wages for the first five years of his employment would be paid to the training company.
The man had been so convincing that he had arranged to meet him for an interview in Birmingham, and at the interview it seemed he was just the sort they were looking for.
Over lunch it as explained to him that English butlers were in very short supply. And that these rich folk willing to pay very high salaries just to have a traditional English butler answering the door or serving their breakfast. They like a bit of class, a bit of sophistication, and that’s what we teach. The man had been convincing, and Bob had signed up, and still there was no mention of a one off fee, or cost of registration. In fact no one had mentioned money at all, which was why he was getting worried.
After waiting half an hour he checked the times of the trains back, and swore when he realised it would be another two hours. There was nowhere to go, not even a pub. The place was desolate So he sat on his suitcase feeling very, very stupid.
It was an hour later that the minibus pulled up and a pretty fresh faced young girl who looked barely old enough to drive jumped out, “Are you Bob?”
“Yes, yes I am”
“I’m Charlotte? And I am so sorry I’m so late, but I’ve had a bitch of a day, and I’m sorry. Anyway I’m here now so let’s get you to the school.” And opening the back door of the minibus she pointed at his case. “Pop that in the back and you can sit up front with me, it makes it easier to chat, saves all that twisting around in my seat.
As they drove they chatted. And Bob asked her about the school.
“Oh I just help out there; it belongs to my mum and dad. But it’s not really a school, more a training centre.”
Pausing for a moment she cracked the drivers window about an inch and taking a packet of cigarettes from the vans dashboard and lighting one she went on.
“You’re very lucky to have been chosen. They only take on a dozen or so candidates at a time.”
“So it’s not a big place then?”
“Oh the house is quite big? Ten bedrooms, four with on suit, a dining room, lounge, library, four reception rooms a big kitchen and utility room. It also has a pool, tennis courts, stables, hot tub and sauna. The servants quarters? That’s where the trainees live are in the cellars, but as you’re the trainee butler you get a small room in the house.”
Bob was impressed “Wow it sounds incredible.”
“It’s a pretty cool place to live. But the best thing of all is the grounds, sixty acres of woodland and meadows, and me? I love to ride.”
Charlotte was good company and never stopped chatting, but as time passed Bob started to worry.
“How far is it exactly? We seem to have been driving a very long time?”
Lighting another cigarette she laughed. “I know it seems like that, but its not actually that far as the crow flies. But if you notice these roads twist all over the place which make the journey seem much longer than it is, anyway we should be there in about fifteen minutes.” And pointing vaguely to her side of the van, “It’s just over there, but we have to drive around this hill.”
Eventually though they arrived, and just as charlotte had said it was magnificent.. “Our grounds start here, and as we go round here you’ll see the house.” And what a house it was. It could have been used as a film set, grand and imposing it seemed to dominate the entire area. “That’s the stable block to the right, and the tennis court sauna hot tub and pool are at the back. I’ll get you settled in and then take you to meet mum and dad. After that I’ll tale you to meet Miss Parks, she’s the one who’ll be in charge of your everyday training.”
After showing him to a room on the ground floor she left him to unpack while she went to let Miss Parks know he was there.
When she got back she took him on a quick tour of the house.”
“Thanks, I bet it’s easy to get lost in here? you mentioned there were other students?”
“That’s right they’ve been arriving over the last few days, you’ll meet them later. Anyway this is it.” and opening the door she followed him into the library.
“This is mum and dad, but you must call them Sir and Madam, and from now on I’m either just plain Miss, or Miss Charlotte.”
Her parents were nothing like he expected. Her father looked like a middle aged school teacher still trying to be cool with the kids, but her mother? Well she was quite something. Not stunningly beautiful, but her long red hair, tightly fitting dress, and obvious skill with her makeup meant she would never go unnoticed. Add to that the way she carried herself and the heels, and she was pretty sensational.
“Mum, Dad, this is Bob,”
Neither of them made any attempt to greet him. In fact after charlotte’s friendly bubbly approach they made him feel a little uncomfortable, uneasy even..
Eventually her father spoke. “Bob? Bob? What kind of name is Bob? You can’t call a servant Bob, sounds ridiculous.”
Her mother joined in. “His name must be Robert, Bob is just the common version” And looking at him for the first time? “You will answer to Robert. Do you understand?”
“Err yes fine, Robert it is.”
The woman looked horrified, “Charlotte.”
Sorry mum. And looking at Bob, “I told you, you must call mum Madam.
Just say Yes Madam, Robert will be fine, thank you.” for a moment he hesitated. “Go on, you’re supposed to be a butler for God’s sake.”
So trying hard to keep a straight face and get into character he gave a tiny bow and said, “Yes Madam, Robert will be fine, Thank you Madam.”
“That’s better, now you may go, Charlotte take him to Miss Parks and tell her to start his training immediately.”
“Yes mum” and turning to bob she said “Follow me to the door and when we get there just turn, give a little bow and say, “Sir, Madam, and leave.”
Feeling self conscious and more than a bit stupid Bob did as she said, and once they were outside she smiled. Mum and Dad can be a bit off putting, but remember your hear to learn, and the most important thing a servant needs to show is respect and humility. Now I’ll take you to Miss Parks, and then I’m going for a ride.”
“Will I see you later?”
Of course, you’ll be serving me dinner at seven. Now remember? Respect and humility, especially with Miss Parks.” And she opened the door to Miss Parks office, and as he stepped inside she whispered, “Good luck, and I’ll see you at dinner,” and quietly closed the door leaving him alone with Miss Parks.
Miss Parks was more of what he had expected, and looked like a typical fictional Victorian governess. She was seated behind a heavy looking oak desk, her hair pulled and pinned into a tightly wound knot on the back of her head. her complexion was flawless, and if it hadn’t been for her hairstyle and the rather too heavily applied dark severe makeup, she would have been a quite attractive woman.
“You are Robert, is that right.”
“Yes that’s right”
“Yes that’s right Miss Parks; you will always address me as Miss Parks.”
And thinking? “Here we go again, Bob repeated the phrase.”
“According to my notes you wish to be trained as a butler?”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“Well I am afraid I can tell you now, just by looking at you that you will never make a butler.”
“But”
“No buts, I decide. Butlers need poise and breeding, and you have neither. I will put you down as general labour, and see how you get on.. So if you would like to undress I will have something more suitable to your station brought in.”
Just for a moment Bob was lost for words. “Look I think you better take me to see?”
Raising her hand and her voice, Miss Parks Explained, There is no one to see, no one to ask, and no higher authority. On matters of staff, training I make all the decisions. Now I think you’ll find I gave you an order, not a topic for discussion, so please carry it out immediately?”
“Look I think I better talk to Charlotte or her Dad?”
Opening a desk draw Miss Parks took out what looked like a square chunky looking toy gun.
“Do you know what this is?”
“No and I don’t care, what I want,”
“What you want Robert is immaterial, what matter is what I want, and I want you to obey me. You are here to be trained? And trained you will be. Now this is what is called a tazer but is better known as a stun gun. It fires these two tiny barbs that penetrate and snag clothing. Then when the trigger is pulled it delivers a very high voltage electric shock.” and pointing it first at his groin and then at his chest she smiled. “It wont kill you, but it will incapacitate you. it delivers a maximum of a hundred thousand volts, but I have it set for fifty.
If I use it on you, you will very likely mess and wet yourself and be paralysed. So why not just take the suit off Last chance?”
“You’re crazy if you think” and that was as far as he got.
Hearing a quiet pop he looked down and saw what looked like a square cork with two straightened fishing hooks tangled in the cummerbund around his waist.
Looking from the barbs he followed the two wires to the plastic gun in her hand. “Wait” but it was too late. Barely had the word left his lips than he saw her brightly painted fingernail curl around the trigger. And in that instant his entire body exploded.
He was thrown backwards into the wall where stunned and disorientated he fell to the office floor. unable to move he watched her coming around her desk, and summoned every last ounce of strength he tried desperately to crawl towards the door.
That was half power? Lets try full shall we.”
She seemed to be in no hurry, and perching her bottom on her desk she changed the setting. “Lets try sixty percent and see if I can’t make you do a wee wee? This time she pressed and held the trigger while he jerked around at her feet. When she finally released the trigger he just collapsed moaning. Every bone and muscle in his body hurt, and his nerves were shredded. “No that didn’t work, lets try eighty? And all he could do was watch as she pressed the trigger again making him dance like some obscene puppet. This time she got her wish and he wet himself. So seemingly satisfied she took something from a cupboard and leaning over him clamped it around his neck.
“That’s a training collar and delivers exactly the same charge as the tazer, except without the need for wires. They are designed for large powerful dogs, pit bulls and alike, of course there illegal in this country, but I won’t tell if you don’t.
Now I am going to sit down and have some tea. And when you can move you will undress and fold those clothes very neatly and leave then by the door.”
Back behind her desk she pressed an intercom button, and lighting a cigarette just sat quietly waiting.
A few moments later there was a quiet knock on the door.
“In”
A youngish woman carrying a silver tray stepped inside.
“Your tea Miss Parks” and as she served Bob saw an identical collar to his fastened tightly around her neck.”
“That will do Molly, you may go.”
“Yes Miss Parks, thank you Miss Parks.”
And Molly”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“You will find this gentleman’s clothes and personal belongings in the butlers quarters?”
“Yes Miss Parks”
“Burn them.”
“Yes Miss Parks”
And she left.
While the feeling returned slowly to his tortured body his tormentor sipped tea. And as soon as he could barely move she had him strip.
“You will remain naked. I have decided to make an example of you.”
And before he could even think of an answer his collar buzzed, pain filled every cell of his body, and he collapsed straight down like a tall building being demolished by having the bottom floors blown out.
Fortunately for him and thanks to the earlier shocks his body was exhausted and he was unconscious before he hit the ground.